Dating Part One

Working with a lot of young people in my ministries on campus and in church, one of the most frequently inquired topics is dating. In fact, it might be the most pressing matter on young people's minds and hearts. I've answered more questions regarding dating and marriage than potentially any other topic. A common articulation of such a question to me would be, "what does biblical dating look like?" To which I provide a simple response, "there is no such thing as dating in the Bible and so there is no such thing as biblical dating." I would love to be invited to do a seminar somewhere on "Biblical Dating" because I wouldn't have to prepare anything. Jokes aside, there is still a pressing need on my heart to share what I have learned in regards to this matter.

First of all, the fact that the Bible is silent on dating does not make it an un-biblical concept. There are many issues and matters that the Bible is silent on but the church has instituted while maintaining a Bible-centric scope and understanding. For example, the Bible is silent on schooling and institutionalized education but we are told in Proverbs 22:6 to "train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." And in Ephesians 6:4 it says, "fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." No one questions the validity nor the importance of schooling but the Bible never institutes such a practice. In fact, one could make a case that home schooling is the recommended practice of the Bible. So dating in itself is not un-biblical unless it condones sin or if the practice of dating causes one to sin. There is nothing more un-biblical than sinning so this is where we must measure the concept of dating.

Dating is absent in scripture mainly because it is such a modern concept. Dating is relatively new and foreign to many parts of the world today. The Bible is full of verses and wisdom on marriage because that is the institution that the Bible condones but dating is supposed to help in choosing the "right partner." There is a central problem with that idea, although it sounds pleasing. The purpose of dating, founded on that idea, would mean that it is is a self-centred endeavour. Dating is then a means by which one "commits" themselves to another sinner hoping to discover that this person is a match for them. Only problem is, nobody is a perfect match (because we all fall short of the glory of God) and although there is emotional and physical commitment involved; dating is always a partial commitment. The idea that dating is a way to filter the wrong people out is a terrible idea because you can filter those people out safer by not entering an exclusive relationship with them. Students will tell me that, "dating is the only way to see if a certain person is someone they can love forever" and to that I would say that that is not true at all. In fact, you can know a person better by observing them and getting to know them in natural contexts both individually and in group settings. The real reason why young people want to date someone is because it pleases them. Dating satisfies the human longing for companionship without the permanent commitment that marriage carries. They can explore their emotional and physical boundaries with the knowledge that if things turn for the worse, they can always back out. This is sin because it is human selfishness.

If I was the father of a daughter, I would never want a boy to "try my daughter out." I would want him to do his due diligence in getting to know my daughter and fall in love with the person she is, and then pursue her with the commitment and intention to love her forever. Dating has essentially put human satisfaction at the forefront of relationships that are meant to mean more than what we make it out to be. Marriage is not enhanced by dating but in reality, watered down to a mere game for people who are lonely. We have lost the meaning of marriage in our society and removed the essence of what marriage stands for. Marriage is a godly institution that is meant to represent the relationship between Christ and the church. Dating only fuels the passions of the human heart and the fleshly desires to experience the covenantal benefits of a marital relationship while ignoring the self-sacrificial commitment of marriage. If a Christian told me that their relationship with their dating partner is healthy, God-honouring and one that is kept within safe physical boundaries I would still tell them that they are sinning because all of those things are possible even through friendship. And perhaps, even more so within a friendship context. What dating someone does for a young Christian is it gives them a sense of security, a sense of love, and an emotional or physical satisfaction of being with someone that is "committed" to them. This is all a facade and not required because nowhere does the Bible say that one should test out their potential marital relationship with someone by entering a somewhat committed relationship with them. If anything, the Bible encourages us to marry them right away. Dating is a deviation of God's intended image of marriage and hence a sin. I can thus, only conclude that dating is an un-biblical model and one that must either be removed from a Christian's life or more reasonably, redeemed.

So how do we as a church redeem dating and take back marriage? (This will be the topic of Part Two of this series)